It sho’ ain’t easy being a Silicon Valley Executive. First, you constantly have to be on call… (I suppose that’s because there is nobody to delegate to)…. And then you give up any semblance of a private life, except of course when you’re in your private offices, in the private jet, or hanging out at one of your private estates. And what about the job pressures?! The board expects to know what’s going on every three months! Who ever heard of a boss that micromanages like that? And the shareholders! If you only had a nickel for every silly shareholder phone call you had to handle…. Oh wait, you do…. Anyway, whatever you’re getting paid, it’s totally not enough! The good news is that the bonus you just approved your yourself will make up for it… for now.
Anyway, nobody is perfect, amiright? At some point, the shit is going to hit the fan, and you’ll need some go-to excuses to get you through the day. And so, I present:
The Top 10 Reasons Your Executives Are Failing (According To Them):
1. We’re bringing in a bunch of consultants to figure out what the heck went wrong.
2. We are not failing! We just need more “yes” men.
3. That’s only on a need-to-know basis. Get back to work!
4. Don’t pay attention to those numbers. Here are some alternative numbers.
5. Because we aren’t paid enough.
6. Because we still aren’t paid enough.
7. When Daddy got me this job, he never said it would be hard.
8. A swift 10% layoff will streamline things so it won’t happen again.
9. Clearly the problem is that our expectations were too aggressive. If we level-set our expectations to the reality, then things will appear quite positive.
10. Nevermind, we found someone in Marketing to take the blame.
If you’re an executive, bookmark this page. Better yet, ask your admin to do it. You never know when you might need it.